In the chat room this morning, hot monkey sex was the subject. I stated that any sex was better than none. Someone else said, "There's no such thing as bad sex." Well, I disagree. I've had sex many thousands of times in my long active life since I was 18. I can tell you that there are dozens of levels of sex from "why bother" to "OMG it's so good I'm gonna die". I'm going to now expound on the levels I use for my own classifications. What does this have to do with BDSM and D/s? Depends on whether you include actual intercourse or oral sex in your play time. Enjoy my thoughts on this subject.
I'll start with the "why did I bother" levels:
1) there's inexperienced sex--boys and girls you do have to move, experiment and play to really learn what works for you AND YOUR PARTNER. If you don't care about your partner's enjoyment, please castrate yourselves now and save us all the time/effort/disappointment. Sex is a TEAM SPORT. Let's all work together to eradicate dumbasses getting laid, ok?
2) don't-know-what-to-do-after-he-gets-it-in sex--this one falls into the "(s)he's really attractive but what the hell was I thinking" category for me. Just because you're drop dead gorgeous, built like a brick shithouse, or got charisma in spades, doesn't mean that you're all that in the sex world. Enthusiasm is NOT enough to carry the day here. There are probably millions of books out there about improving sexual technique. For goddess' sake, read up and apply the damn lessons. Sex doesn't have to be kinky to be good. Missionary is not the only position. Let's work with the program here!
3) big dick no moves sex--I don't care if you're 3 inches and thin or 14 inches and bigger than a mason jar. Good sex isn't about size. Some women insist that bigger is better, but by dammit talent and enthusiasm do count. If you're too big, you can actually HARM your partner unless you learn some preparation methods and technique for during the acts. I think Hippocrates was on the right track: First Do No Harm. But just showing up for class isn't enough. You do have to try and pass the tests, just like in school.
4) screendoor (slam it so hard the hinges break) sex--In my experience, smaller men tend to use this technique to compensate for lack of size. Of course, if you LIKE rough fast and hard sex, you're in luck with this category of partners. Personally, I'd like to NOT be bruised, raw, bleeding and non-orgasmic too boot. If I'm going to have sex, with someone I care about, I want to make sure he or she enjoys the experience and orgasms at least once (preferably more) and unless that's his/her kink, doesn't go away bleeding/bruised. Now good sex that leaves you bruised/bleeding/raw and limp from orgasm...that's a whole nother kettle of fun.
then you get into the
5) "inexperienced but heard a lot and willing to apply rumors" sex--these partners can and will be taught and will one day become the ultimate in sexual adventures. Let's here it for curious, courageous, never-say-die spirit!!!!!
6) got some moves and more than willing to learn more sex--if you've got the basics down, learning the extras is the Indiana Jones jackpot for this category.
7) not bad but nothing spectacular--these partners can be taught unless they're stuck on themselves. They'll do in a pinch even if they're not willing to learn.
and moving up.... you have:
8) "it's not that big but oh man it's double jointed and talented dancer" sex--the lover who was most able to tie me in sexual knots and multiple intense orgasms was not greatly endowed. However, he'd taken time to learn I think about every trick of the trade as far as sexually pleasing his partner(s). This gentleman is to this day one of my best friends, not-withstanding my husband/Master.
9) "big boy got some serious rhythm" sex--this is a nice bonus to having a blessedly endowed partner. First he's big enough that you've gotta have some serious foreplay to get your body ready, but then he's also got the moves and willingness to apply them. This category can lead to the "Comatose at the end" status if you're lucky.
10) hot monkey sex--you know when the pheromones are flowing and you've gotta have sex right here right now, up against a tree (or over a motorcycle seat, or in a barn, or on the kitchen counter/table....). This is usually rough but ready quickies, often repeated several times throughout the day (if you're really lucky). Not a lot of time and probably with a serious risk of gaining an audience (maybe even inspiring them to have their own monkey sex) before you're done, this kind of sex is gut-wrenching and knee-weakening. Let's hear it for the quickies!!!!!
11) Tarzan sex--take monkey sex, add in chandaliers, ropes, lots of time and privacy and take it to the repeat orgasm and oh goddess I'm gonna be sore tormorrow level. This is my personal favorite of all the sex categories. This is what I refer to as "anything goes" sex and <Grin> well I'm a kinky wench at heart anyway.
12) OMG he's gonna rock my world til I'm comatose sex--You don't find a lot of these but girls when you do, marry them if you can and if not, well.... isn't that why affairs are so fun? If you're single, these types are great especially if you don't know you're getting it til it's happening. Multiple orgasms, lots of invested time and energy, and cuddling afterwards. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause!
and then the best, absolute to die for:
13) this is so good I'm gonna die from it sex--I married this one. I'm so lucky I can't even express it all. And I get to combine whips, chains, and the top 6 categories of sex all in one. There's a party going on right here.... A Celebration to last throughout the year... (wasn't that the Commodores?)
Enjoy the read!
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