Mobility & Health limitations and BDSM... and LIFE!

As we age, we all have new health issues that crop up. It is an extremely rare person who never once gets sick, or injured, in their lifetime. In 2010, I am faced with 2 major spine surgeries: one cervical, one lumbar/sacral. The first was in Feb, and had a great outcome. I will have the 2nd in Nov. It's more major and the recovery will be rougher, longer, and more humbling. I have learned, in the process of being affected by my health, exactly whom in my life--family, friends, associates-- I can count upon. I was surprised by some, dismayed by others.
I learned, as my health went south, that some supposed partners will take ANY excuse to exclude physicality. I am a very tactile person. I need touch. I simply do. I am sensual, and sexual, and physically motivated. To have that removed from me is like being punished, when you haven't done anything wrong. I tried to express this to my partner and got "I'm afraid I'll hurt you." Honey, I'm a masochist. HURT ME BABY!
What this means for the BDSM in folks is: ADAPT your play. If you can't walk, find standing activities. If you can't use your arms well, find less exertive activities. If you can't stand, have a chair or bench. Bottoms have an easier time with mobility issues. Service can be difficult but it can be adapted as well. It is all about communication between partners. Kink is individual. Expression of that kink, ahhhhhh, can be so varied. If you don't learn to expand your horizions, you are TRULY crippling yourself AND your partner(s).
Being a Switch, I have an added benefit, I can express Sadism and Domme joys as well. I can bring out the beauty in my submissive partner's personal enjoyment of our time together and that is a rush all its own! I don't get out much, and being isolated in rural Alabama, finding submissives is NOT easy, but not impossible. It hasn't happened, simply because I don't cheat on my husband.
I got to thinking about it, and actually tried to sit down with him and discuss the LACK of Communication, LACK of sex, LACK of BDSM, LACK of touch, and apparently LACK of affection, common interest, and everything else that seemed to have snowballed since about 6 months of our MARRIAGE.
I'm not saying all the fault is his. Goddess only knows I'm a cast iron bitch to live with. I am saying that I don't feel like a partner. He keeps secrets and internalizes EVERYTHING. I am an extrovert and want everything in the open. I expect things to be dealt with promptly, which he used to do, but when he was out of work, no longer does. I want to be noticed and appreciated, not treated like an unpaid housekeeper. And letting the kids disrespect me, PUBLICLY or privately? OH HELL NO! I am a type A personality, with OCD. I can't sit back and NOT do things. I can't let things be ignored. I'm disabled, but not incapable. If I can't fix it, I expect my partner to fix it. When little things go for 2 yrs, or more, not repaired, or worse, not cleaned... I get sick of it. I'd have fixed it myself if I'd been able.
During this time, I made the final decision to end my marriage to my former Master. He'd not owned me in over 2 years anyway, but he'd also proven (repeatedly) that he wasn't going to BE THERE in times of need. The man I fell in love with, the man I trusted, the man who was once my best friend... that man was either a figment of my imagination ... OR simply LOST inside his own angst. Frankly, if I've got to take care of everything, I don't need that kind of excess baggage on my trailer, you know?
I am fortunate, however, to have good friends rallying round me. When I do file the papers, there will be MUCH hostility from his family. And I'll be recovering from major surgery. I'll have a boatload of debt as well. It's always the way with divorce.

When DO you call it DONE?

How often in a relationship do you throw up your hands and say, " I have had ENOUGH!" and just start dividing property, or just walk away and take the loss in the teeth (or arse)?

I've come to realize just recently, that sometimes, you're just so damn heartsore and exhausted by the little things and numbed by the big ones... that you simply no longer give a flip what happens any longer. I've also learned (and believe me, since this is my 4th marriage I should have learned it much sooner) that cutting and running saves in damage and finances to both the heart and the bankbooks.

When does the weight of how badly the kids will take the separation outweigh the disgust you feel for your spouse? When does the personal disrespect start cutting too deep to live with? When are you tired of the little things? ... there are about a million and one question you ask yourself... when you're getting up the nerve to decide to separate or divorce. Then there are the big ones... Do I want to live alone? Can I be a successful single parent? Will my kids blame me? Do the kids want to live with me or HIM? How will I manage alone? etc, etc, etc....

Let me tell you from the perspective of BEEN THERE DONE THAT got a drawer full of t-shirts. It is hard, but it can be done. Yes, the kids will have some issues but there are therapists and programs that can and will help. If your ex is Nasty about it all, get a restraining order and ENFORCE IT. Sometimes, you just can't live with a particular person. It happens when one of you grows one way, and the other, grows (or doesn't grow) another. Extended Family and In-Laws don't always understand Either. Ask them to, but realize that miracles don't come in job lots. Wouldn't that be nice? Be as nice to your ex, and the other family members as they are to you, in fact, OOZE NICENESS ON THEM at every opportunity. If they're bitchy, Thank them , then walk away. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION, legally.

Submissive or Slave, THAT... is the Question

I've had a lot of people argue with me, many times over the years, about what makes a person a slave, or a submissive. I'm sure that for ever how long I live, they, and others, will continue to argue about it. The good news is: I am allowed to have my own beliefs AND LIVE BY THEM! The better news is: If you don't like my beliefs, fine, have your own & live by your own as well. I'm not at all concerned about whether you LIKE the way I live. If you don't want to live MY way, Don't apply to be a submissive or slave for THIS HOUSE.

Simply put (and there are degrees)... A Submissive serves when (s)he wants to serve. When the want is fulfilled, (s)he quits and goes on with life in whatever way (s)he sees fit. A Slave on the other hand builds their entire life around service, whether to an individual or to a family or to an organization... or a combination of these entities, but take away this structure...and the Slave will strive to rebuild that structure and if unable to do so (s)he will pine away and suffer in a most delicious way.

Give a Submissive an order and (s)he will follow it literally...often to the detriment of their own health and wellbeing during a session because it's not about true service, it's about kink and limited fulfillment for short-term. Give a Slave an order, and (s)he will follow it within surprisingly wide parameters that fit into the House rules and work for the longterm good of that House. IF the order is detrimental to the house, the Slave WILL DISOBEY and take punishment for disobedience then explain if allowed, simply because it is for the good of the HOUSE. A SLAVE knows (s)he is valuable property and as such should maintain that value and increase the value of the House at every opportunity.

A Submissive may serve for years and think (s)he is a Slave, may call itself a slave. How would one differentiate? That is for the participants to decide. A Slave will put the wellbeing of the HOUSE as primary, with the individual well-being always secondary, but never ever forgotten. A Slave will be able to efficiently run the entire household in the absence of the Master/Mistress without having to have constant reminders or being micro-managed. Independent thought and management skills are valuable commodities and take a huge weight off the Master/Mistress. Reliability and companionship are part and parcel of what (S)He probably values most without ever saying so. Is sex a part of your relationship? Bully for you if it is, but if not? well deal with it. Nirvana doesn't exist for everyone honey. Does (S)He need to be reminded about Doctor visits/Medications? REMIND Her/Him. As a Slave, you're Maid, Cook, Personal Assistant, Chauffeur, Yard Boy, Valet, Masseuse, Answering Machine, Major Domo, Geisha, Gofer, Whipping Boy, and general bitch. Submissives can walk away from this when they're tired. Slaves thrive on it. Understand now?

Whether you like me or not....

My blog is not designed for everyone. It is designed to express my thoughts. I hope it is informative for some. I hope it is also entertaining for others. I do not edit myself much. Some of the entries may be offensive. Some are blunt. One of these days I hope to have time to do regular entries. Today as you can see, this is the 3rd entry. There is a reason for freedom of speech.

Let's talk about Politics

I don't want to hear armchair idiots bitch about politicians and how they're screwing up our country any more. Those same armchair idiots will NEVER get off their lazy asses and do a damn thing to FIX anything that is wrong in this country. SIMPLY PUT, NOTHING WILL CHANGE WITHOUT SERIOUS REVOLUTION AND BLOODSHED. The little people of this country, ALL OF THEM, will have to Stand firm and say, ENOUGH. We will all have to stop paying taxes, stop accepting the ludicrious laws and pork barrelling, and stop pandering the "blame everyone else" mentality. When every single citizen in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA stands up and says STOP! ENOUGH...then and ONLY THEN will we be able to make serious change. IT will get many jailed, killed and probably worse. Revolution is always ugly. Look to the examples of our ForeFathers when they broke with England. Seriously people, if you're not going to DO something, SHUT UP!

When Relationship DynamicsChange Drastically...

My Master and I got married in 2006.... shouldn't that mean "happily ever after"? Isn't that what marrying your Master means for the Slave? In real life, and the real world, I very much doubt a true "happily ever after" really exists. All relationships have at least "speed bumps" if not road blocks and detours...... Some even run into the Grand Canyon and the Continental Divide along the way. Throw in D/s and BDSM and HOLD ON FOLKS, it's gonna be a BUMPY RIDE!!!!
My marriage is no different and my husband and I had our teenage children testing our resolve and parenting methods every step of the way. He and I are VERY different parents which is a constant source of tension from day one of our relationship.... Throw in my health deterioration...... Add in a heavy dose of my extended family being devious thieving asses..... a few doses of alzheimer's/senility in our elderly relatives, a few elder deaths.... and then the economy crashed...and 3 years into our marriage, my husband lost the job that he'd had for nearly 20 years.
CHAOS ENSUED...and let me tell you... NOTHING in this would could have prepared me for what happened to my husband's mental and emotional status then.

He was out of work for 7 months. When a Dominant who has NEVER in his adult life been out of work and unable to support his family suddenly loses that, he gets DEPRESSED. Clinical Depression is a DISEASE. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It destroys EVERYTHING. He didn't listen to advice or encouragement from me nor anyone else. He didn't talk about his feelings or what was going on in our family's lives...... I felt completely locked out of his entire existence...and we had ZERO real income for the entire time except for what my kennels, our tax return, and a few collectibles we sold brought in. I was suddenly alone again... like before I met him. Reaching out to him was rebuffed repeatedly... or ignored.

In March and again in June, I took business trips to FL. The June trip, I extended into a personal vacation and took time to visit friends and do some personal "re-evaluation thinking". When I got back home, my husband and I had a discussion. I told the kids to leave for the night. I locked the doors, and we had an all or nothing "by goddess this is going to come out NOW or I'm going to shoot your ass" several hours long talk. It started with me turning off the tv and demanding for him to UNCOLLAR me since he wasn't fit to be anyone's Master any longer. That particular statement shocked him enough to get his attention for the rest of the discussion, which began AFTER he removed my formal, public, collar. His feelings were hurt by the statement, though, and I actually hated having to make it. Truth hurts and I am not one to ever mince my words.

How does a relationship survive such a dramatic change in status....? Well, the answer is, simply,... most don't. Most couples simply don't want to save a relationship once it's that far gone. In our case, my husband doesn't want to end our marriage. He wants to try to rebuild the trust and maintain the friendship. He also wants to keep the family unit together. So, together, we are working. It means that I remain Domme.... and he works to rebuild himself from his core out. It means I have to make lists and remind him and prod and be bitchy (which I hate). It means that I have to run things that he used to take care of for me.

When I began this Blog, I stressed the importance of COMMUNICATION between partners. When you lose that, you lose EVERYTHING. To regain anything, you have to start over. Trust once lost, is the most difficult thing to rebuild. Will my husband and I ever be Master/slave again? I don't know. I can survive without a Master. Will I be whole? I don't know.... but I can survive. I am a Switch. I am a Strong Flexible, Capable, Intelligent Woman . Blessed be.

Aberrant thoughts on the different levels of sex

In the chat room this morning, hot monkey sex was the subject.  I stated that any sex was better than none.  Someone else said, "There's no such thing as bad sex."  Well, I disagree.  I've had sex many thousands of times in my long active life since I was 18.  I can tell you that there are dozens of levels of sex from "why bother" to "OMG it's so good I'm gonna die".  I'm going to now expound on the levels I use for my own classifications.  What does this have to do with BDSM and D/s?  Depends on whether you include actual intercourse or oral sex in your play time.  Enjoy my thoughts on this subject.

I'll start with the "why did I bother" levels:

1) there's inexperienced sex--boys and girls you do have to move, experiment and play to really learn what works for you AND YOUR PARTNER.  If you don't care about your partner's enjoyment, please castrate yourselves now and save us all the time/effort/disappointment. Sex is a TEAM SPORT. Let's all work together to eradicate dumbasses getting laid, ok?

2) don't-know-what-to-do-after-he-gets-it-in sex--this one falls into the "(s)he's really attractive but what the hell was I thinking" category for me.  Just because you're drop dead gorgeous, built like a brick shithouse, or got charisma in spades, doesn't mean that you're all that in the sex world.  Enthusiasm is NOT enough to carry the day here. There are probably millions of books out there about improving sexual technique.  For goddess' sake, read up and apply the damn lessons.  Sex doesn't have to be kinky to be good.  Missionary is not the only position.  Let's work with the program here!

3) big dick no moves sex--I don't care if you're 3 inches and thin or 14 inches and bigger than a mason jar.  Good sex isn't about size.  Some women insist that bigger is better, but by dammit talent and enthusiasm do count.  If you're too big, you can actually HARM your partner unless you learn some preparation methods and technique for during the acts.  I think Hippocrates was on the right track: First Do No Harm.  But just showing up for class isn't enough.  You do have to try and pass the tests, just like in school.

4) screendoor (slam it so hard the hinges break) sex--In my experience, smaller men tend to use this technique to compensate for lack of size.  Of course, if you LIKE rough fast and hard sex, you're in luck with this category of partners.  Personally, I'd like to NOT be bruised, raw, bleeding and non-orgasmic too boot.  If I'm going to have sex, with someone I care about, I want to make sure he or she enjoys the experience and orgasms at least once (preferably more) and unless that's his/her kink, doesn't go away bleeding/bruised.  Now good sex that leaves you bruised/bleeding/raw and limp from orgasm...that's a whole nother kettle of fun.

then you get into the

5) "inexperienced but heard a lot and willing to apply rumors" sex--these partners can and will be taught and will one day become the ultimate in sexual adventures.  Let's here it for curious, courageous, never-say-die spirit!!!!!

6) got some moves and more than willing to learn more sex--if you've got the basics down, learning the extras is the Indiana Jones jackpot for this category. 

7) not bad but nothing spectacular--these partners can be taught unless they're stuck on themselves.  They'll do in a pinch even if they're not willing to learn.

and moving up.... you have:

8)  "it's not that big but oh man it's double jointed and talented dancer" sex--the lover who was most able to tie me in sexual knots and multiple intense orgasms was not greatly endowed.  However, he'd taken time to learn I think about every trick of the trade as far as sexually pleasing his partner(s).  This gentleman is to this day one of my best friends, not-withstanding my husband/Master.

9) "big boy got some serious rhythm" sex--this is a nice bonus to having a blessedly endowed partner.  First he's big enough that you've gotta have some serious foreplay to get your body ready, but then he's also got the moves and willingness to apply them.  This category can lead to the "Comatose at the end" status if you're lucky.

10) hot monkey sex--you know when the pheromones are flowing and you've gotta have sex right here right now, up against a tree (or over a motorcycle seat, or in a barn, or on the kitchen counter/table....).  This is usually rough but ready quickies, often repeated several times throughout the day (if you're really lucky).  Not a lot of time and probably with a serious risk of gaining an audience (maybe even inspiring them to have their own monkey sex) before you're done, this kind of sex is gut-wrenching and knee-weakening.  Let's hear it for the quickies!!!!!

11) Tarzan sex--take monkey sex, add in chandaliers, ropes, lots of time and privacy and take it to the repeat orgasm and oh goddess I'm gonna be sore tormorrow level.  This is my personal favorite of all the sex categories.  This is what I refer to as "anything goes" sex and <Grin> well I'm a kinky wench at heart anyway.

12) OMG he's gonna rock my  world til I'm comatose sex--You don't find a lot of these but girls when you do, marry them if you can and if not, well.... isn't that why affairs are so fun?  If you're single, these types are great especially if you don't know you're getting it til it's happening.  Multiple orgasms, lots of invested time and energy, and cuddling afterwards.  Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause!

and then the best, absolute to die for:

13) this is so good I'm gonna die from it sex--I married this one.  I'm so lucky I can't even express it all.  And I get to combine whips, chains, and the top 6 categories of sex all in one.  There's a party going on right here.... A Celebration to last throughout the year... (wasn't that the Commodores?)

 

Enjoy the read!