I have FAITH... who needs RELIGION

Isn't it amazing to see all the death and destruction in the name of God/Allah/Mohammed/Jehovah?  Doesn't it simply boggle your mind or horrify you to see the atrocities committed againts the Kurds and the Afgans? Didn't the Jews suffer enough when Hitler tried to exterminate them? Wasn't 911 the most vicious evil perpetrated upon one country by another in the name of a "God" and look at the billions of dollars spent since then to destroy the menace of terror. 

Politically correct people say Happy/Merry ChristmaHannaQuansica/Yule now to appease those who do not celebrate Christmas.  In Australia, Store Santas are not allowed to say Ho Ho Ho for fear of offending women.  You can't call black or brown skinned people Negros or blacks or diety help us "n*****s" you must call them African-Americans.  Red-skinned persons of tribal indian persuasion are "Native Americans" and so on. Short people are vertically challenged.  Will anorexics be weight-challenged next?  It just goes on and on with the supposedly offensive things you can't call people. 

I live in the deep South.  My community has more churches, literally, than businesses.  I moved here 4 years ago and did NOT join a church becase although I was raised in a dual Catholic/Southern Baptist household, I am not primarily a Christian.  Fundamentally, I consider myself to be a pagan with wiccan leanings.  I do not broadcast my faith around the community UNLESS asked.  I was worried when I moved here about being ostrasized.  This little community is primarily homebound elderly people.  I started cooking for some of them when I moved over here.  One of the local church ladies groups found out and started helping me with it and now both of the larger local churches ladies groups (35 of us) cook for between 80 and 90 homebound elders.  These ladies and the two pastors used to constantly try to get me to join one of the churches.  At the second big Easter cook-in, I finally sat all the ladies down and asked them to listen while I explained why I did not feel I should join either church.  The pastors came in at my invitation for it as well.  I asked them all to please not interrupt nor to judge until they had taken ONE WEEK to consider my words.  They all agreed.

This is the "meat" of my faith:

There is ONE omnipotent diety. This diety is seen in different aspects by humanity.  I call these aspects faces.  Christians see God, Jesus, and the HolyGhost (depending on the faith).  Others see Jehovah, Yaweh (sp?), Mohammed, Allah, Ra, and so on down the list of alternative Diety nomme de plumes used  the world over. This omnipotent diety would be happy with individual or family prayer and worship...however, man has instituted RELIGION and set rules and restrictions and written down his interpretations of this Diety's orders, rules, and strictures.  Each Religion has developed a following, a sect, and a set of MEN, fallible and corrupt, has taken their own interpretation of "God's word" and passed it to the blind masses following  them.   And so the brutality and horror and racism and bigotry began and continue to this day.

I choose to pray to the feminine face of the Diety.  I call It Goddess.  When I feel the need to add in a masculine component, I pray to Goddess and Consort.  Noone, Diety or not, should be alone, after all. I am strongly centered in my Faith and do not need religion to bolster my strength.  I do not need anyone to tell me how to be good or how to pray or how to live.  I can read a Bible or a Koran or the Torah.  I can research Celtic tales  or just donate my time cooking for elderly homebound people.  I can take care of my own family and friends and listen to those who need an ear. I can counsel young teens who face unplanned pregnancies and offer them the options available.  Maybe I am not what the religious zealots of the world would call a Godly woman, but I do try to be a good person, and with my faith and family and friends, that is enough for me.

The ladies and pastors did not run screaming away from me.  They did not lynch me nor burn me at the stake.  They did tell me later that if I was ever ready to join one of the churches I would forever be welcome.  We still cook and laugh together.  When I got sick, later, they organized (and still do) fund-raisers to help pay for my expensive medications as I do not have medical insurance.  I would say I have found a good community and a good home with good friends.  Goddess provides.

FYI****Radical views and absolute frustrations

I know I will never be elected to public office. I do not lie well enough nor do I schmooze properly. I don't have the background, nor tolerance for cowpatties as a staple diet. I also have enough "sin and infamy and unacceptable behavior" in my past to ensure that the press would have a field day that would make the Monica Lewinsky circus look like a simple flash bulb explosion. However, this is America, and the Constitution written by our forefathers gives me the right to not only have opinions, but also to state them verbally and in writing anytime I so desire on any forum I wish to use. Guess what? I'll use this space to state my opinions.

1) Professional politicians should be outlawed. All politicians should either have a full time real job or be required to serve on the front lines of our military actions for a minimum of 4 years prior to being eligible for public office. A lot less professional politicians would exist after such a such a stint. And requiring them to live on a real income instead of government money would ensure honestyy for a change.

2) Convicted felons should be sent overseas to our war zones,given weapons and told "win this and you can come home." Let them pay their debt to society some way that matters w/o draining our freaking tax dollars. Having known far too many druggies and idiot thieves I personally like this one. I'm tired of repeat offenders myself, aren't you?

3) Pedophiles, Rapists, and Murderers should be allowed ONE appeal only and then shot as soon as the appeal is over or dismissed. I was married to a pedophile. This is my personal favorite. I have NO tolerance for violent criminals. I am a Sadist, sure, but never would I rape anyone or harm a child, nor kill a person (except to protect someone or carry out a sentence in due process). Yes, I am a STRONG advocate of the death penalty. If it was used more with less appeals and "civil rights loopholes" (they're convicted felons, they have no rights in my opinion, they lost them when they violated this country's laws), there would be far less population in prisons. Look at China for an example.

4) Illegal immigrants should not be eligible for medicaid, food stamps, or housing, EVER. There are people who are natural born citizens who cannot get benefits while illegals get it automatically. This is a waste of our tax dollars and violates our rights as citizens. My husband and I work our butts off and live on income well below poverty level for a family the size of ours (3 adults and 6 children at home) and yet we qualify for absolutely NO government assistance whatsoever. We get by but we have to scramble sometimes to give our kids treats. I have no insurance and, with my medical issues, have no way in hell of ever getting coverage unless by some miracle I am approved for disability (and that usually takes a minimum of 5 years or so I have been told. Where's the fairness in that? I know, LIFE IS NOT FAIR, but shouldn't it be?

5) Legal immigrants and naturalized citizens should be held to the exact same tax standards as all other citizens. Screw this loophole of no taxes for 7 years. Way too many people are selling businesses to their relatives as soon as their 7 yrs are up so that the family business NEVER has taxes. I pay mine, let them pay too. They get those other benefits, let them pay for them.

6) Veterans, medically Disabled, and Senior Citizens should automatically receive free medical care subsidized by pharmiceutical companies.This should be a federal mandate. These people have to jump through enough hoops to get their disabilities and retirement approved (in general) and Veterans put their lives on the line to keep America free. Make the rich bitches at the pharmaceutical companies pay up. It won't hurt their profits one bit and in the long run will probably help their bottom line as it is actually a deductible expense by our current tax laws.

7) Frivilous law suits should be dismissed immediately and the plaintiff should be responsible for all fees incurred. Can I get an AMEN, Sister?

8) What in HELL is wrong with a flat income tax for all? It's fairer than the system we have now. Sure it takes away some of the deductions we have to search for to use, but overall, wouldn't a simplified tax code just make for less headaches, less cheating, less audits and level the load all around? The really big income bracket types are squealing about it, but hey, I've never lived in that stratosphere, and I"m sure 98% of them have never had to eat Ramen noodles for 8 months in a row just to make housepayments either. Let them squeal.

Whatever happened to personal responsibility? I am by no means perfect. I do however not blame others for my own bad decisions and believe me I have made a few thousand of them. I do however, deal with the debris and move on with my life, repairing the damage as best I can without suing the freaking bartender for giving me the drink I ASKED for in the first place. What idiots our "system" has allowed many of our people to beome. Those who need help can't get it and those who are too lazy to work get free handouts because they lie well.

adding to day one...

Financial Domination... wouldn't that be a nice perk?

In this day and age of "reality" shows, I find it amusing to watch things like "The Girls Next Door."  It is a sad thing to see a rich old man with his harem of bimbos being shown as an example of "desirable life goals" for today's youth.  I've been in this lifestyle a LONG time and I have NEVER found a single Sugar Daddy, nor Sugar Slave to support me in the manner to which I'd love to become accustomed. My Master takes care of me and our family because He is a good man.  He is all the "Sugar Daddy" I need.  He doesn't require me to work to support Him, although should it become necessary I would definately do so.  I've had an ex-husband who apparently believed in "bill fairies" because Goddess knows he left me with enough debt to ensure I never had decent credit again.  <shrug> That's life ...and a lesson well learned. 

Personally, most of the people I have talked to who practice financial domination of their submissives alarm me.  Of the lot, only two of them have independent careers of their own.  These two, while they do not TELL the slaves their plans for the money the slaves give them,  invest that money in the slaves names.  These two also provide 100% support, including medical insurance, to the slaves.  The other ones, near as I can tell... just use the money and the slaves... to be lazy parasites.  I have no respect for these people and rarely communicate with them.

For myself, while it would be nice to have a sugar slave, reality says that's not going to happen.  Any slave I hold would have to have a job and his/her own residence.  I prefer to have a self sufficient person who chooses to be in service to me.  I also prefer to know that should the worst happen to me, my pet will not be homeless nor penniless as a result.

I am by no means an expert on D/s nor BDSM...

I am writing this Journal to give myself an outlet, not because I consider myself an expert in any way on D/s nor BDSM.  I welcome comments and shared experiences.  Ialso hope that my viewpoint offers clarification to the curious.  I have a lot of years experience in some areas and almost none in others.  Master is the same way and neither of us considers "OUR WAYS" right for anyone but us.  We believe that any D/s or BDSM relationship is (and should be) taylored specifically to the needs and desires of the partners in that relationship. 

In the lifestyle, newbies hear "Safe, Sane, and Consentual" everwhere they go.  This is a good rule to live by and it was actually established to safeguard tourists in the public clubs.  Contracts between partners (while mostly legally unenforceable) are for the same reason.  Safe words stop the session/scene when the submissive has reached the end of endurance. Since online access has become such a popular medium for expressing mutual interests, I recommend safe calls for any meetings with new people.

A safe word should be a word that has meaning to the bottom/submissive but is not a commonly used word.  The top/dominant must know what the word it and will stop the session when the bottom uses that word.  The bottom MUST NOT BE AFRAID to use the safe word.  Mental and physical endurances are dangerous to exceed especially in a BDSM setting.  A session is often cathartic to the participants.  Subspace and Domspace are the results of that catharsis.  Some bottoms are incoherent/incapacitated in subspace and cannot vocalize the safeword.  IF that is the case, the Top must be responsible enough (and empathic) enough to stop the session and administer appropriate aftercare to the bottom.  Each Top and bottom are different and have different aftercare needs/preferences.  I have found, in my experiences, that sometimes each session has different aftercare requirements.... even with longtime partners.

A safecall is a must in this age of online connections. When one is meeting strangers, at least one friend MUST know where you will be and have a way to contact you (usually phone contact).  I recommend using a keyword to signal that all is well as well as another keyword to signal for help, should it be necessary.  A description of the other person's vehicle as well as their tag number are good thingsto give to your safecall.  I have in the past established a couple of safecall networks....and it has on a couple occassions .... saved a lot of hassle.  A safecallis also a way to prevent the other person from "requiring" or "pressuring" you for sex IF you are not interested.

While I find that D/s and BDSM are intensely sexual, it should be noted that not everyone includes sex in their D/s or BDSM.  Master and I do not often separate them but I have seen many others, especially in the public clubs, who do keep them totally separate.  There is no universal right or wrong in this.  It is all individual need/desire and you should keep open communication with your partner(s) to keep yourself where you need to be.

.  I want an intelligent capable person serving me.  I do not want to leech off of their hard work.

Day one....getting started

Dominance and submission can fit the 21st century life

Public Journal


I find that far too many people in this world say it cannot be done.  Supposedly D/s cannot be managed 24/7 when you have a spouse, a career, and children.  I happen to disagree. This Journal will show those who are interested some of the ways in which it can be done, if they have the need AND the will to find the way that is right for them.

Every day that I log onto AOL, someone says "I'm (We're) too busy with life to have D/s  (BDSM)  24/7."

First it should be pointed out to the uneducated or ill-informed that Dominance/submission is TOTALLY different from Bondage/Domination/SadoMasochism.  D/s is a dynamic between the participants in a relationship where-in one is the Dominant partner and the other is the Submissive partner.  The Dominant partner is the primary decision maker and protector and this Dominance is not dependent upon age, sex, religion, education, or income.  The Submissive partner is the advisor, caretaker, and enabler for the Dominant partner.  The finer points and individual responsibilities of each D/s  relationship must be based upon the needs and desires of the partners IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.  A D/s relationship may not even have BDSM as a part of the mix at all. The choice of using BDSM in a relationship MUST be mutual and explored carefully.

As I've discovered in my own life, it is entirely possible to have all the socially accepted trappings of family and career and HIDE the D/s and BDSM that your nature craves.  It is a craving ....rather a bit like an addiction.  You can ignore it...indulge it... hide it.. but it will never disappear.  If you want to live it, however, you will have to make sacrifices to some things. 

When I first got into the lifestyle, I was a naive young woman who'd lived a rather sheltered life.  When on my own, I consistently made bad decisions that put me in trouble's way.  My first Master was an older married Doctor whose wife was terminally ill and needed a companion/caregiver.  He was (and still is) a good man who initiated me into BDSM, BUT He did not educate me in D/s.  His view of the lifestyle was taken frankly from a poorly written trite fiction genre that coincidentally spawned a lifestyle variation.  Yes, he was Gorean Master.  Given my youth and inexperience, I suppose it was a good enough place to start. To this day I enjoy ritual in relationships, but I have learned that ritual can be as simple as assisting one's Master or Mistress prepare for the day, or as complicated as the Gorean drink preparation.  My first Master protected me for several years and gave me some stability.  I still made bad decisions outside of his house, and I have 2 divorces behind me because of those decisions. For many years after I outgrew my first Master, however, I didn't even know there was more to D/s  than Gor, nor did I know  that BDSM could be a totally separate lifestyle.

During my third marriage, I discovered AOL.  I wandered into chat rooms and talked to all kinds of people about many different subjects.  I made some friends and discovered that the majority of men online were looking for little more than cheap one night stands.  More power to them.  I also discovered information on D/s.  I learned through many hours of research that D/s was NOT what I'd thought.  I learned that BDSM was more and different from D/s and that it could be included in D/s (and usually was).  I gradually started meeting people from online and learned about the local BDSM clubs/groups.  I made some friends and  found a few lovers along the way.  I also learned about myself while dabbling in the public lifestyle.  Back home, my friends and family knew I was going out.  They didn't know that I was going to "kink clubs".  They didn't know I was asking men and women I barely knew to chain me up and beat me.  Ohhhhhh, but I knew.  And the more I went out, the more I learned, the more I wanted.  Like any addiction, it grew.  When I got tired of so many of the men wanting sex as pay for giving me the BDSM I needed, I started learning to walk topside and discovered that I am not only a masochist, I am also a sadist.  A trusted friend asked me to top her a few times.  Shortly after that, she referred a friend of hers to me.  Within a year I had two "pets" of my own and had gone professional as a Domme. 

Surprisingly, I did all this without my family ever knowing.  Then my life blew up.  I had health issues  that made me "give up  my kink" and my marriage, which was unhealthy and unhappy anyway, came apart at the seams. I blame only myself for bad choices in spouses and can only blame myself for the hurt it eventually caused to my children.  I decided amid the wreckage of my life, I wasn't going to hide anymore.  I wasn't looking for a lifemate nor was I going to advertise my nature, BUT I was not going to hide my interests anymore.  If someone asked or was interested in a relationship, I told them about myself.

When I met Master, both of us were wounded.  I was healthy again and rebuilding my family from the ashes of my 3rd marriage.  He was single dad doing the best He could for His family.  A comment I made caught His attention, and He asked me out to lunch.  Before I accepted, I gave Him my email address and also emailed Him an old webpage of mine that spelled out my interests and my "quirks".  Over the next few months, we talked and explored.  Turned out, we were two halves of a whole.  My interests and needs dovetailed His almost without exception.  With Master, I discovered how unhappy and lonely I had been in all my other relationships.  I also discovered that I didn't want to be a ball breaker anymore.

Master and I have 6 children at home. We are NOT financially wealthy, nor do we depend on any government programs to help us support our family.  We live in a house in the middle of a poverty-stricken rural area.  I work from home and Master has his job AND we have extended family in the area of whom we try to help take care.  In our relationship, Master IS the primary decisionmaker.  He listens to me, researches, and decides.  Whether I agree completely or not, I abide by His decisions.  If I have to make a decision without His knowledge or consent, He lets me know how He feels about it and decides whether my decision will remain a part of our life.  If not, I make necessary steps to fix the situation.  This is the dynamic of our relationship.  We are 24/7 and this does not change.  Am I browbeaten or cowed?  No.  Is He a domineering bully? No.  Is He abusive? Again, no.  Master is our protector and He takes His responsibilities to heart. While our children know that  Master is the primary decision maker in our house, they also know that He will support my decisions concerning them  and our household because they know that I will not make a decision without consulting Him beforehand. 

Now, earlier I mentioned BDSM. I also mentioned sacrifices in living 24/7 in a D/s relationship.  This is where these two things come into play. Master is a Sadist.  I am a SadoMasochist. Children do not need to be exposed to the kind of sex or games their parents play.  Master and I, therefore, restrict our "play time" to when the children are not home or to times when we can go to hotels or clubs for private play.  This does restrict the amount of BDSM time we have.  It does NOT however devalue it.  Having less private time has made us treasure it even more and it does make us delve a bit deeper into ourselves when we do manage "our time". I am ALWAYS submissive to Master no matter what our social situation is. My experiences/knowledge may be more than His in some areas, but it does not EVER mean I am Dominant to Him in any way. The song "She Don't Tell Me To" is probably the most apt I have heard in a long time.  I highly recommend giving it a listen.

"It's not about sex.... and other myths"


"It's not about sex."

What a load of manure.  BDSM  and D/s have so much physical touching and mental titilation that the participants cannot help but have sexual urges as part and parcel of their experiences.  Is this a contradiction of my earlier statements?  NO.  Just because those urges/feelings are there does not mean that they are acted upon by the participants.  If you're so inclined with your partner, then great.  Kinky sex is good fun and in my experience more fulfilling than just straight "vanilla" sex. The fulfilling part depends really on the talents of your partner and emotional attachment you have with him/her.    

So many onliners are using "I'm a DOM(ME)" as a pickup line.... of course they are not exclusive in this... "I'm a submissive/slave" is a common reverse pickup.  These posers often just want to roleplay some sexual fantasy while they wank off in the privacy of their own bedroom...usually while the wife or husband or kids or whatever sleep in the next room. I read a profile today that said "If you have to tell me what you are, then you're probably no such animal." and I have found that particular truism to be almost certain fact.  This same profile also said "People like to assign to D/s a great many meanings. They will tell you it's about respect, honor, integrity, and all sorts of other mystical ways to make it sound all the more special. It's about SEX. Assign all the meanings you want to it, in the end it's all about sex. I don't want to talk about any cosmic togetherness, most of the time I'm out there on cloud nine and aren't even aware of my own name. "  Thank you FanziSubSwitch for calling it as it is.

"You need a loving hand to guide your journey"

I promise you that while there are many more unstable personalities in the world than stable ones, most real submissive are strong, capable, talented, intelligent, and independent people who can and usually do guide their own journey. Those who are threatened by this type of personality often say "You need to be taught manners/proper respect."  Once again quoting FanziSubSwitch "YES I DO! Come over to my house, paddle my butt until I'm sobbing like a naughty child, and then screw me, THEN GO HOME! I do this because I enjoy the stress relief I get from submitting. I get off on having someone know my limits then working on taking me past them. It's mind over matter. When you're tightening those clamps, I'm willing myself to go on. I come like a machine when I'm taken where I would never go on my own. You need any more of a "gift" than that?"

I don't necessarily agree with the "THEN GO HOME" part of her evaluation, but that is my personal preference.  I like to have emotional attachment to my pets and waking up in a pile of warm bodies is a good thing. However, every person in this lifestyle has totally different preferences, desires and needs.  I have said repeatedly that every relationship... be it casual or long term ... is individual to the people involved.

"Proper respect and observance of strict lifestyle protocol is required at all times"

Who died and made you God of D/s and BDSM?  There are so many genres (variations) within the world of D/s and BDSM that knowing "strict lifestyle protocol" is a practical impossibility.  You basically find what works for you and your partner(s) and go with it.  Basic manners are usually good enough with the expected honorifics of "Sir" or "Ma'am".  HOWEVER, if your Dominant has specific behavior guidelines he/she expects you to perform under, then it's usually in your best interests to do so.  <grin> After all, a submissive/slave is serving the whims of the Dominant/Owner.  Isn't that why we choose this lifestyle?

Tourists and Pro's in the lifestyle

I've noticed over the years that an awful lot of people, especially single males, are using the lifestyle as a pick-up tool.  While this lifestyle is highly sensual and can (usually does) incorporate sex in the applications.... D/s and BDSM can be totally non-sexual.  I call these kink/thrill seekers TOURISTS.  They are not in any way Dominants, nor really submissives.  They are abusing what is supposed to be a deep power exchange to ensure an active sex life. These people, I have noticed, are the ones who want to dictate to others what "real D/s" or "real BDSM" is, and they do not have the first clue what either one really is.  ANYONE WHO PREACHES THAT THEIR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY NEEDS A REALITY CHECK.

There are so many genres and variations in the lifestyle that it would take decades to even mention them all. I don't even try.  My experiences are many and cover almost 2 decades and I still learn  or see something new every day. Real D/s or BDSM is (and rightly should be) based upon the needs and desires of those practicing it.  Finding those needs/desires is the hard part and that evolution takes time and effort.  Making any relationship work requires mutual involvement and dedication.  If you aren't willing to commit and stick to it, it is not going to work and someone is going to get hurt (mentally, physically, emotionally, or all 3).

Another thing I have noticed is many times Professional Dom(me)s are at least verbally dissed.  There are a lot of pro's out there ....who are little better than prostitutes or giggolos.  The unwary and uneducated stumble across them all the time and it warps their perceptions of D/s and BDSM.  Of course... there are the ones that get featured on Jerry Springer.... Sensationalists like that need to be Darwined right out of existence IMO.  However, there are a good many (at least in the Atlanta area) professional Doms and Dommes who have over the years set excellent examples from whom I have personally borrowed for my own "code of ethics". A professional Dom(me) will NEVER include sex or sexual acts in a session.  Rules of behavior will be established up front and many that I know require written contracts outlining those rules. While these contracts cannot generally be legally enforced, they do act as a protective measure for all involved parties in that they can limit "he said, she said" type conflicts. 

In my own life, I have spent over 4 years as a pro-Domme.  I was having sessions with an older Sadist who wanted me to be his Submissive, when a lesbian couple who are friends of mine asked if I knew a Domme who would top them.  I didn't, but Sir suggested that I could do it.  He offered to supervise  the first sessions IF they would be alright with that.  Since they had no objection to men watching a session, but didn't want to bottom to a man, we all decided to try it, and over the next 4 months I discovered the rush of walking topside.  I worked with them about twice a week for that time and discovered a level of Sadism inside myself  of which I'd been previously unaware. It made me really introspective for a while, and I asked many of my lifestyle friends for a LOT of advice during this period.  The ladies called me one day and asked me if I was interested in working with a submissive male.  They sent him to me, and he became my first pro client although I'd not expected it to turn out that way.  He in turn referred two others to me and in all I ended up with 5 clients, who I kept for just under 2 years.  I also had two of my own personal pets during this time and I thoroughly enjoyed the private time I had with them.  They were good boys. When my health got too bad for me to continue with it, I released all of them with references to other Dom(me)s I knew. To this day, even as content as I am with Master, I miss my boys.

Because of my time as a pro, I have a lot of people (mostly online, because they do not know me) tell me I am a whore or "not really into D/s".  My realtime friends/colleagues defend me or tell the offenders to bugger off (I love that phrase). I just say, "Until you see or live my life, perhaps your judgement should be withheld."  I live my life with Master and as long as He is happy with my service, noone else's opinion really matters. We know what is real and what is right for us.  Everyone should be as lucky.

Know thyself...and communicate... lest ye be harmed
Self knowledge is the key to success in any venture.  D/s and BDSM are no exceptions to this.  If you do not know and understand AND ACCEPT yourself and your needs, how can you expect anyone else to even come close?  In my younger days, I let myself be led into things, not understanding what would come of it all.  I didn't make healthy decisions, nor consider the consequences of choices I did make.  I can't change that, but over time I have learned to deal with my choices.  I still make wrong ones... but I am much stronger and more capable person now than I was then.

When I first got into the lifestyle, I was a barely functioning rape survivor who'd also been an abused child.  I thought I was strong and independent and could take on the world.  I blamed others for the pain my own decisions caused me.  "How could he do this to me" was a favorite rant for a long time.  I made excuses for my choices.... blaming my childhood for not preparing me for life.  Once I started having children, I got psychiatric help.  Counselling and medication helped to stabilize me in many ways and also helped me recognize my own self destructive patterns.  Now realize that I was still dabbling in BDSM though all of this.  I was an injury waiting to happen for certain and as sexually promiscuious as I was back then, it's a miracle that I didn't end up with AIDS or some other equally serious disease/injury.  In a lot of people in the public D/s and BDSM lifestyle, especially in the clubs, I see this pattern.  I advocate STRONGLY that introspection and self discovery be the first step before delving into D/s and especially BDSM. As I said in my last entry, D/s and BDSM can be extremely cathartic and that catharsis requires special care based upon the needs of the participants. Not knowing those needs.... can cause emotional damage and lead to the destruction of the relationship.

From my own experience, I know that sheer stubbornness can lead to immense emotional damage in a relationship.  I stayed in a bad marriage for almost 10 years because I refused to have another failed relationship. I knew what my "kinks" and "quirks" were, and accepted them, but I was afraid of being lonely. I didn't even realize how truly lonely I was then.  While it was apparently visible to the people I knew, I also didn't realize how horribly unhappy I was in my last marriage either.  I knew what I wanted though, and accepted what I needed.  I was not shy about stating these things either.  I used the public clubs as an outlet.  It was not a cure...but it helped me cope and survive.  Merely surviving gets old after a while... whether you know that's what you're doing or not.

Psychiatric counselling and medications are not for everyone.  If you need them, use them.  If you cannot cope with your life, get help.  Healthy life patterns promote an easier path to happiness... and when you are ready to explore D/s and BDSM will give you a very stable foundation from which to begin.  I have seen countless people selfdestruct in the lifestyle because they didn't have that foundation. Often they take their partners/friends/family with them when they go.  I've watched others rebuild like phoenix from ashes after the explosion too, and the incredible baggage they bring into future relationships is amazing.

I think the tourist population (meaning dabblers and thrill seekers) in the lifestyle is what gave rise to "limits and negotiations"  which you will hear about as you explore the lifestyle. In any casual scene, by which I mean two or more near strangers setting up a BDSM experience, the participants should clearly outline what can and cannot be done.  This is a safety measure I personally have found very reassuring.  In a public club, the Dungeon Master will also safeguard the experience, but it is the ultimate responsibility of the participants to communicate their needs/desires/limits to each other.

Communication is crucial in all aspects of life.  No relationship can survive long if communication is inhibited.  Relationships should build upon mutual discovery as well.  They may begin with common interests... but life is full of little surprises that can change interests and open pathways one had never previously considered. Self knowledge and sharing that knowledge with your partner can let your relationship grow, and in the event that your interests diverge, can also help conclude the relationship without destruction of the people involved.